WEEK 10-GET the FACTS on FEEDBACK- 3 Easy Tips, Myths Debunked, How to DO IT & Viewer Q & A for Autistics

 

Do you STRESS @ How to Respond when someone asks for YOUR opinion?

Your best friend, your spouse, your boss...at some point everyone asks for our opinion on something, from “What do you think of my new dress?” to “How can we increase production in your department?” Do you panic?  Do you dread answering because in the past when you have given your opinion it went terribly wrong and the other person got mad or defensive or worse?  Do you cringe and avoid answering at all costs?  You would rather have your fingernails ripped out than answer the question.  If this is you, you are not alone and I have some great tips and insights into this very tricky topic of feedback for you today that will make those days of cringing, panic and avoidance a thing of the past.  Today, you are going to get the autistic insight your brain has been seeking and 3 easy tips to make you a feedback pro. 

What is feedback exactly?

Feedback is a mutual communication exchange where you express what you think, feel or perceive about someone’s actions or behaviors FOR their benefit and awareness.  Since this is an exchange it also works in reverse where you are the one receiving feedback.

BUT the better and deeper question to reflect on is: “how can we help each other thrive and excel? And How do we render the unconscious conscious?”

Why would you use feedback?

-for growth and change

-to build true connection relationships

Why you WOULDN’t use feedback? Debunking False Beliefs

- to express your anger or frustration with someone’s behavior or action

-to tell someone what they need to change because if you didn’t they would never know that it was a problem and that would be bad. (Theory of Truth)

-to teach someone what they don’t know because it’s your job to educate them where they lack abilities. (Theory of Learning)

-to address the universal belief that there is a definable and measurable standard for how something is to be done and it is your job to remedy their shortcomings. (Theory of Excellence)

**To dive deeper into understanding these false beliefs check out the article from Harvard Business Review on the topic HERE:  https://hbr.org/2019/03/the-feedback-fallacy

Where will you encounter feedback situations?

-at work

-within your family

-within your friendships

-in all manner of relationships, think surveys.

STEP 1: How to identify if you should give feedback and if the person is open or closed to receiving feedback from you.

****People who fall into one of these 3 categories will most likely be CLOSED TO receiving FEEDBACK from you: 

IDENTIFY THE TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP FIRST-

-Disconnected Relationships

-Bad connection relationships

-False Good relationships

(NOTE: the false good connection can trick you and lure you into a false sense of trust and feedback won’t go well in this situation.  Be sure to double check this relationship before proceeding)

People who are OPEN to receiving FEEDBACK from you:

-true connection relationship

If you aren’t certain what these types of relationships look like or how to figure out what kind of relationship you may have, check out the Relationship for Autistics playlist on the YouTube Channel, Social AUtie and be sure to get your free RELATIONSHIP COMPANION WORKBOOK to help you break it down along with the Trust Identifier Guide to help you find that trustworthy person to have a true connection relationship with in your life.  

Get the VIDEO Series Here: https://youtu.be/O5s0cfysgFQ

Get the WORKBOOK here: https://socialautie.ck.page

STEP 2: HOW TO GIVE AND RECEIVE FEEDBACK

GIVING:

-Look for Outcomes.  Identify what is giving good results in the moment and with specifics.  Don’t wait until after the moment has passed if you can point out what is working well in the moment is helps the person recognize what excellence looks like for them.  You are offering a chance to gain insight into themselves, making the unconscious conscious and you are highlighting a pattern that is already there making it visible to them so that they can then recognize, re-create and refine it.

-Describe what YOU experienced when you recognized their moment of success.

We all know when someone is being inauthentic in their praise and it holds very little influence on us.  Being authentic and specific in your feedback is what makes it believable and how it makes the deepest impact on the receiver.  When you share information in this way, you are not judging, rating or fixing and your message carries much more power to help the other person thrive and excel, and that is our goal.

EXAMPLES ON HOW TO WORD FEEDBACK (shared from Harvard Business Review Article, The Feedback Fallacy, 2019):

Instead of….. Try Saying…..

Can I give you some feedback? Here’s my reaction…

Here’s what you should do… Here’s what I would do…

If someone asks for advice-

You should do… What do you feel you are struggling with 

and what have you done in the past that ‘s 

worked in a similar situation?

Receiving:

-Identify what kind of relationship you have with the person giving the feedback.

-truly take it in and receive it.

-sit with it for a little while, don’t react or respond without considered thought

-have the attitude that it is for you and not against you

-notice if you are feeling defensive

-ask clarifying questions like, what did you see that seemed to work well?

*NOTE: When things AREN’T going correctly or to plan and pose an immediate problem ie safety or could be an escalation to a bigger problem, keep in mind you are only repairing the problem and not creating growth and learning.

As Autistics we have gifts when it comes to feedback:

-We see 50 steps ahead in a process so identifying potential pitfalls is what we do well.  This can be helpful in project planning.

-We see the details clearly and can identify each aspect.

As Autistics we have challenges when it comes to feedback:

-Black and White thinking, we sometimes miss the opportunities and options that fall in the grey areas that others see. 

-We see all the details and can often overwhelm the receiver with too much information.

Viewer Q & A

-Bekka asks, “Are there specific situations where you wouldn’t give feedback?”

In certain situations and relationships it is best to keep your observations to yourself.  Where I would avoid giving feedback most is in a situation where emotions are strongly tied to your opinion in an unhealthy way.  For example, if your best friend just got into a fight with her husband and shows up in tears telling you about all that has happened and she asks you what you think of her husband.  DON’T.  I know that temptation is there to want to side with and console your friend, but this is a potential mine field in your relationship.  She is going to calm down eventually and she and her husband are going to work it out and then you are left on the outs with your friend because you said something negative about her husband and she is now upset you think that about him.  TRUST me on this one.  What your friend is really asking for is soothing and commiseration and this can be done in healthy ways, like letting her just talk it out while you listen.

-Viewer asks, “Should you only give feedback when asked?”

Yes and No.  It depends on the relationship with the person.  Only offer feedback to someone who is your true connection relationship and it can be done without being asked because one of the core components of a true connection is there is trust and the understanding that you are both FOR the other person and your feedback comes from a place wishing to help the other person grow, thrive and excel in life.

NEXT WEEK ON SOCIAL AUTIE: Have you been struggling to find your WHY and PURPOSE in life? Next week I will be taking you through the steps to find your WHY and PURPOSE.